Today I learned–and I mean every day I learn, but today especially–that I do still have this unfair bias regarding girls. Two of them were upset today about different things, and they’re in different classes. My usual inclination is to have a private talk in the hallway. I’m not saying that I never do that with girls–I’ve definitely done that with the one(s) who I now have a red flag for misbehavior. But it’s the ones I don’t expect it from, the ones who are always doing the right thing, who I seem less inclined to nurture immediately.
Maybe with the first girl, who was discontent with her writing partner, I didn’t call her out of the class because I had just done that with a boy who was loudly displaying the wrong attitude. I wanted to save time. I wanted to circulate during group work. That moment has come back to me though, and I’m thinking of what I would have liked to say to that student. That I pair her with certain boys with strong personalities because I know she has a strong one as well and can carry her own. Perhaps not the because thing to say–“I’m using you to keep this other student under control”–but really, when it comes to group work or seating plans, you have to think–with the more problematic students–what other student can work well with them? And she was someone who came in mind.
Oddly enough, that’s not why I paired her with her writing partner today. I just thought their writing levels would help boost each others, and they both seemed like well-behaved and well mannered students to me. I still have a lot to learn about my students.
The second is highly mature, and when I asked what’s wrong, she didn’t want to talk about it. I stared down at her, with her eyes downcast, but didn’t push it. Even I wasn’t sure in that moment if I was being sensitive, or just not pushing hard enough to understand what was wrong. She too had a problem with her partner, which surprised me because again, I thought both students were well-mannered and easy-to-get-along-with students. Again, still learning.
Also, thank God I read that chapter in Fred Jones’ book about creating excellence and accountability. I seriously need new systems that help students check their work as they go as well as help me with their grading, since I’m always behind. IAnd more Say, See, Do Teaching. I’m also thinking a lot about classroom structure and seating. I’ve realized–of course, after I put the new tape down to designate where the corners of their desks should go–that it takes way too long for me to get to students on different sides of the room. I don’t mind re-doing the seats, even after all that time I spent with putting the tape down on the floor, if it means that I can reach students more efficiently.
I could get very angry at myself, but lately I’ve been more gentle with myself, remembering that I am a first year teacher. As much as every fiber of my being strives to be perfect and have everything under control, I’ve gotta let some things go. Like learning along with my students with the Chromebooks. Or learning how not to push a lesson or a concept if the students are clearly restless and need something else. Or learning to be consistent, especially with discipline. Le sigh.
One day. At the beginning of October, my goal was to have this altogether at the end of October. Now I’m shooting for end of November. I’ll create the lesson plans that I dream of and manage as consistently as I want to. I have to. I can’t take it: emotionally, mentally, physically. It’s not just the perfectionist in me (although it is like…80%). It’s also the part of me that wants to not only survive, but excel.
-the constant- 